How to Get Married in 10 Easy Steps

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Traditional culture among members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints seems to encourage people to get married quickly. Of course, often people seem not to do such for a number of reasons (finish school, everyone’s ugly, don’t have a car, etc).

Unfortunately, there are times when such individuals, though not all, seem to stay single for extended periods of time. The following ten steps are designed to help those who feel trapped in such a situation to get out.

It has never been tested on bachelorettes.

1. Write down EVERY SINGLE thing you are looking for in an eternal companion. Everything from how active in the Church she should be to the colour of hair to her clothing styles to whether she likes olives or not. EVERY THING.

Do NOT proceed to the next steps without fully completing this step.

2. Set a goal date by which you will be engaged. Be realistic. Don’t make it too short and don’t make it too far away. Post this goal somewhere, or make it easy to remember (six months from Christmas as an example).

3. Set a goal date by which you will be married. Same conditions as above.

4. Write up a list of EVERYONE who is interested in you. Start with those who live closest. List them in order by the degree they like you (the most at the top). Do not pay attention to whether you like them or not.

5. Phone up the first person on your list and ask her on a date as soon as possible. Act like a gentleman on your date but be yourself. At the end of your date, compare her characteristics, personality and qualities to the list you made in step one.

6. Repeat steps 5 & 6 with everyone in your list, starting next with the second one, then the third one, etc.

7. When you have dated everyone on the list, compare each one’s characteristics, personalities and qualities with those of the others. Select the one which most closely meet the elements of the list you created in step 1.

8. Date her a few more time to make sure your first impressions were correct. If they weren’t, go on to the second person.

9. Ask her to go steady. Continue dating her to strengthen whatever relationship you have developed by this point.

10. On or before the goal date you set in step 2, ask her to marry you before or on the goal date you set in step 3.

There you go. Ten easy steps to get married. Follow EACH of them as outlined, and you will be married for sure.

22 thoughts on “How to Get Married in 10 Easy Steps

  1. Sounds like a lot of work. All that dating would seriously cut into my xbox time.

    Just out of curiosity, did this guy claim to be in love with his bride? If she had rejected him, was he planning on just asking the next girl on the list?

  2. heh heh heh

    In my old YSA ward, the only qualifier some of the RMs seemed to have was, “Is she breathing and will she go out with me?”

  3. Yes, he was in love with his bride. If she had rejected him, then yes, he would have moved on. But that was very unlikely to happen as she knew she was going to marry him before he even asked her out (and I mean knew, wasn’t planning on it, but she just knew it was going to happen. However, she didn’t tell him this).

  4. tj,

    I don’t think you understood the steps. The steps aren’t designed for a person to date someone exclusively and then propose. The steps are designed to get the person to date several people until he finds one who is interested in him, has the qualities he wants and in whom he is interested.

    If the first woman had rejected his offer for a date, yes, he would have asked the next person on a date.

  5. Ok, a rejection at step 5 would be a very minor setback. But, a rejection at step 10 could make it impossible to achieve marriage by the goal date and might send a guy all the way back to step 2. Making it past step 9 and realizing the girl isn’t wife material would have the same effect. Wouldn’t missing the goal date constitute a system failure?

  6. Yes, I get it. You’re parodying Elder Ballard’s counsel on how to share the gospel systematically with people, including the “set a date” part.

    I’m sorry to see this blog has yet again become a forum for mocking apostles.

  7. ltbugaf
    Again, you misunderstand. This is NOT a mocker at all, as it is exactly what he did in order to get married. You read far too much into what Kim says. This is exactly what it looks like and has nothing to do with any missionary program. Never did and never will. Boy, you need to learn.

  8. I’m sorry.

    As you know, I’m pretty zealous about defending Prophets and Apostles when they ARE being attacked, belittled or denigrated. In this case, my zeal overshadowed my judgment, and I leapt all too eagerly to a conclusion that was both false and accusatory.

    I’m afraid when I saw the part about writing down lists of names it reminded me of Church programs urging people to think about their friends who need the gospel and write their names down. When I saw the part about setting a date it reminded me of Elder Ballard’s advice. At that point I got mad, and when I got mad I got carried away.

    If I could retract my comment I would. I hope you’ll forgive me.

  9. Wow. Comments have sure ground to a halt. Hey, everyone, don’t let my penitence rain on your parade. Feel free to keep chiming in!

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