Last night I was watching “Insider” (yeah, yeah, I know, trash TV, but we only have basic cable and nothing else remotely interesting was on and I had to fold laundry) and of course they were all in an upheaval about Christie Brinkley’s husband cheating on her. And one correspondent remarked (after mentioning that Halle Berry’s boyfriend had cheated on her), “If Christie Brinkley’s husband and Halle Berry’s boyfriend cheat on THEM, what hope is there for the rest of us?”
That brought me up short. So basically, drop-dead-Hollywood-beautiful women shouldn’t have cheating husbands? The reason men cheat on their wives is because they don’t fit some sort of attractiveness ideal (or that was the thought)? Not from what I can see. What they are also saying is that it is the WOMAN’S fault when her husband cheats. Now, I know that sometimes there are contributing circumstances where both spouses have a role to play in what went wrong, but to make a comment that a man is less likely to cheat because his wife is a gorgeous model completely overlooks an important factor. It is the husband who has the problem, not his wife. When men cheat it is because of issues they have, not because of a problem their wives have. Even if they blame their wives for whatever reason, it is not their fault. It is the person cheating (ok whether this be a husband or a wife, I know I am focusing on husbands, but that’s because of the remark the correspondent made. I would have to wonder if she would have said the same thing if the roles had been reversed).
Hollywood continues to promote the idea that women are only attractive or desirable if they fit some sort of mold. I prefer the Dove commercials and I prefer the natural beauty of women and men. Being ourselves. I personally don’t think Christie Brinkley or Halle Berry or any of these women they call the most beautiful women in the world, are more attractive than women anywhere else.
And another thing, it does a disservice to men, telling us that the only, or at least main thing important to them in a woman is how she looks, at the exclusion of anything else, or at least that everything else is secondary to that primal visual attraction. Yes I know, men are visual creatures. But to say that they are ONLY visual, or are that shallow as to put more importance on looks than anything else is to treat them like brainless dunderheads.
Sounds like you have never heard of Dr. Laura’s book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.
It goes over the many causes of cheating as sympton of poor marital relationship between husband and wife.
When the romance leaves the relationship, the risk of cheating and divorce starts to climb.
Yes I have heard of the book. What I was commenting on though, was the correspondant’s comment.
Not all men cheat because romance has left. As you see I did say there can be contributing factors, but there are some men (and women I am sure) who are just cheaters. It makes no difference what their spouses are doing or not doing to strengthen the relationship. Some people just can’t stay away from the opposite gender, whether they are married or not.
And all I can say is fortunately I married a man who is NOT like that!
I think the correspondent’s comment does indicate what you say (the mistaken idea that if a woman is pretty enough, society thinks the man won’t cheat) but it also is indicating that the idea is false. If “even Christie Brinkley’s husband” cheats then the wife’s beauty is NOT the main factor.
I think that the commentator’s statement is proof in itself that it is not the woman’s fault. “If Christie Brinkley’s husband cheats, what hope do we have?”
In essence, the commentator is saying that WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHETHER A HUSBAND CHOOSES TO CHEAT.
So, I think the statement is on the right track, although it is coming from someone who is confused.
I haven’t read the book by Dr. Laura, but maybe I will. I think that there are many people who cheat who never imagined they would. They slowly changed. If a marriage lacks closeness, emotional cheating becomes a temptation, and then physical cheating becomes a temptation. I am 99.99% sure my husband won’t cheat. Luckily, one of the reasons I’m sure of that is that we both believe we should follow some guidelines to prevent it even being a temptation for either of us. And we both think that keeping our marriage close is important.
JKS
Hmmm interesting points and I agree with you.
I do think that no one is immune to infidelity. The key is to always keep the marriage relationship as important and crucial. Remembering that God is also a part of the marriage. When I married Kim I didn’t only make a convenant to him, but to my Father in Heaven. If I break that covenant than I am not only being disloyal to my husband but to my God.
I am 99.99% sure my husband won’t cheat either. :) I suppose no one can be 100% sure because we can’t control what other people do, we can only control ourselves.
“Luckily, one of the reasons I’m sure of that is that we both believe we should follow some guildelines to prevent it even being a temptation for either of us. And we both think that keeping our marriage close is important.”
Us too. And I think this is paramount.
“it also is indicating that the idea is false.”
Perhaps, but instead of saying “wow, she’s drop-dead gorgeous and her husband STILL cheated on her”, it would have been better to say, “see, beauty has nothing to do with infidelity”. If that was her intent, of course.
I actually think that this has to do with the down-grading of marriage in society. If marriage is just “legal sex”, then of course the relative attractiveness of the partners should be considered a factor in divorce. Marriage is meant to be more than that (as you all have pointed out).
Perhaps, but of the people who I know who had affairs, none of them ever did it because they thought the other person was pretty. It was because they felt attracted to them physically/emotionally.
In the animal world, the male is considered the beauty and the female is not on the same level. For example, the Mallard Duck – the male is beautiful and the female is plain. I expect Male Mallard Ducks may think one female is prettier than the other but they all look the same to me.
What if the Human Male is really the pretty one and the females are considered plain. Would that change things with cheating?
Right. I would think that would be the case. Because marriages that are only about sex fail. I am not saying that this is the case with your examples, I just mean that it is the intimacy that people actually want. When they don’t get it in their own marriage, they look for it elsewhere and, often, confuse sex for love again.
“What if the Human Male is really the pretty one and the females are considered plain. Would that change things with cheating?”
Well some men are pretty, lol. But what I am saying is cheating doesn’t have anything to do with being pretty or not pretty, it has to do with other things, and someone who is considered an ideal beauty is no more likely to keep her man from cheatin’ than someone who isn’t considered so. Since it has very little, if anything to do with the non-faithful spouse, but rather the unfaithful spouse and his or her failings.
There are several answers to this problem. Sometimes a person cheats because they feel unloved by the person who is supposed to love them the most and the need to be loved is very strong. Sometimes they cheat for the thrill and sometimes because they have low standards for themselves.
I meet this gal last week who belongs to the FLDS and she left the man she had babies with. Would she be cheating if he still thinks they are a couple even though he never married her in the eyes of the law?
Mary, I agree. To whatever degree we need to lay blame, it should be at the feet of the cheater, not the cheated. While I think much of the problem comes from misplaced expectations in marriage, that doesn’t mean that the people in the marriage are incapable of working it out or of being faithful in tough times.
“While I think much of the problem comes from misplaced expectations in marriage, that doesn’t mean that the people in the marriage are incapable of working it out or of being faithful in tough times.”
I agree with this. One of the things that bothers me these days is the tendency people have to place the blame elsewhere, when they do things that are wrong, hurt other people, etc etc. It’s time to take reponsibility for our own actions.
And yes, marriages can be worked out. Infidelity doesn’t automatically mean it is over, sometimes it can be a wake-up call. Not a very pleasant one, of course, but in the long run it can be a teaching tool.
I am creating a similar blog to yours for my gender in media class. I think it is very interesting that you pointed this factor out and I never would have realized this even though it seems so obvious. It is definitely true that people always gawk over why a woman was cheated on and not why the man cheated on the woman. I mean you would never hear or see a person talking about how a man gets cheated on even if he is amazing looking.
I believe this relates to my blog because I think it very much adds to the portrayal of women in Hollywood. It makes it seem as though all there is to women is their looks. If it were about beauty then I think it would be obvious that no one would leave a gorgeous women. There evidently must be more to women than their appearance and Hollywood simply isn’t acknowledging this.
Katelyn
Thanks for visiting and I will check out your blog and thank you for your comments!
Hey very nice blog!! I will bookmark your blog and take the feeds also…