Men cause divorce

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Normally, I like Mormon Messages. But this week?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s really irked me.

Now, don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t get me wrong; I think the message of Elder Oaks is great and timely. I think he has some sound advice.

What I don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t like is how the film creators portrayed the first couple. Why is it that in church films, it is never the wife who is the one who doesn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t go to church? It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s always the man. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s always the man who is the cause of divorce (or marital problems).

This really bothers me. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s sexist for one thing, and it perpetuates the myth that women are the spiritual ones and men are the carnal ones.

Why can’t we just stop this nonsense?

26 thoughts on “Men cause divorce

  1. It may not be as deliberate as you think. It might be. I have to say though, of the 5 divorced church members I’m closest to, 3 were “because of” the man, 4th was “because of” the woman, 5th was both. In my ward, there are many more active wife/inactive husband couples than the other way around – so in my ward at least, it’s more reality than myth. But I think that you make a good point because it’s not that way for everyone, everywhere. I do still like this “message” – I didn’t get “men cause divorce” from it at all, but I see your point.

  2. Maybe 80% of the time it is the husband who doesn’t go to church. Would you feel better if they showed 4 husbands who didn’t go to church, in order to show 1 wife who didn’t go to church?

    I listened to the clip without video first, then watched it with both audio and video. I saw nothing offensive.

    I thought Elder Oaks did a good job of not blaming one gender. It’s only a 3 minute clip, not really enough time to illustrate everything, just the typical and only in a general way.

  3. It may not be as deliberate as you think.

    I don’t think the creators of the film are deliberately trying to show men as the bad guys. Frankly, I don’t think they are even aware of the issue I raised.

    Would you feel better if they showed 4 husbands who didn’t go to church, in order to show 1 wife who didn’t go to church?

    I would feel better if they did the entire film as the last half: where it isn’t clear who is at fault, but both parties are working on fixing things.

    I thought Elder Oaks did a good job of not blaming one gender.

    So did I, and I said as much.

  4. why do you think that Kim? Because the first woman is holding her scriptures and the man the remote? Maybe she was the one who had fallen away and is working hard at coming back to church?

  5. you’re assuming she is going off to church..maybe she is just going into the other room to read scriptures quietly? Nothing is suggesting she is off to church. I go in our bedroom to read my scriptures if Dad or Rosaleen are watching tv otherwise I read the same paragraph over and over again..

  6. Your argument would be more convincing if you could name the specific church films that portray men and women not going to church.

  7. you’re assuming she is going off to church

    She’s wearing her dress, holding her scriptures and heading out the front door. Where else would she be going?

    Your argument would be more convincing

    What do you think my argument is?

    if you could name the specific church films that portray men and women not going to church.

    I can’t think of any that portray women not going to church, but Together Forever has two shorts in which the men are the ones who are the bad ones (one in which he leaves the church, and one in which he was deserting his family). The Testaments also has a wayward son and a stalwart female.

  8. I haven’t seen “Together Forever” in well, forever…does anyone know when it was made? Late 80s, early 90s maybe?

  9. Those are the stats…plain and simple. In our stake, apparently there are more single parent households than two-parent households, and of those single parent households, 90% of them are headed by women. Apparently when divorce occurs in most cases the men quit going to church. Also, of those not married and older, more women stay active than man. It’s the stats man, that’s all!

  10. Together Forever – my mission was one of the initial test missions.

    How about Singles Ward – the woman was the “cause” of divorce.

  11. Of course Singles Ward supports your complaint. Comedy takes what is the generally accepted norm and turns it on its ear – hence the funny. So the only reason it’s funny, it being the woman is the bad guy in the divorce, is because the LDS culture puts out the image that all woman are saints and if the marriage goes wrong then it must be the guy’s fault.

  12. “Singles Ward” isn’t a church production, so I don’t think it counts in this discussion.

    I definitely see a bias here, but I think the church is simply catering to its’ clientele. I’d say that the “cause” of divorce in the church is about 50/50, but the preponderance of divorcees who keep attending church are definitely lacking a “Y” chromosome. So who cares if you’re being balanced, as long as your target audience is happy, right? This happens with regular advertising, and this is really just church advertising.

    The church has already shown a tendency to appeal to a core rather than a broad audience. If they were concerned about a broad audience, the prop 8 thing in CA wouldn’t have gone down the way it did. But as it is, they take some heat from a bunch of folks whose tithing they’ll NEVER see anyway and keep fanning the flames of the fanatic fringe. (Neal Maxwell, eat your heart out :) )

    In the case of this video, the majority of divorced guys are going to leave and take their tithing with them, so why not cater (dare I say pander?) to the one’s who WILL stay (and pay)?

  13. Singles Ward is made by and for LDS members. Ice Cream in a cup or in a cone is still Ice Cream.

    The point still stands because they are making fun of the inherit bias in LDS thought when it comes to divorce. If it wasn’t then it wouldn’t be funny.

    And yes, I do see the massive weakness in THAT argument.

  14. If they showed a couple where the wife was the one who stopped going to church, they would have to show a couple already divorced.

    I don’t know actual statistics, but I do know that in my case, there is no way, NO WAY IN HELL, that my husband would let me getting away with just not going to church, even for one week, unless I got really good at faking leprosy. And that would just cause more problems than it was worth. No wonder most women don’t try it.

    I don’t know how to say nicely, but I think this is less about which sex is supposedly more spiritual and more about which sex is better at “making” their spouses go to church with them and which is more inclined to respond to a spouse’s church inactivity with passivity.

  15. That’s interesting, Rebecca. I don’t think I have ever heard anyone suggest women would be more inclined to be passive toward their husbands’ inactivity.

  16. I am with TStevens, Singles Ward, as a satire (though of the friendly variety)of LDS culture is very relevant here.

    Kim wrote in the post that the video “perpetuates the myth that women are the spiritual ones and men are the carnal ones.” That is a myth? :)

  17. Women are by default thought to be more submissive than men and thus gain undue support even when they are at fault.

  18. That is totally true Kim.

    I actually have a close friend who got married and ended up in divorce after 6 months of marriage! And guess what?

    It wasn’t his fault. He married a selfish women that felt no need to change. She ended up leaving him for a guy that had money. God bless her soul!

  19. Some couples having children in their family should think deliberatively before they end their marriage in divorce; otherwise innocent children probably become victims for this situation. Although people trend to think carefully before they get marriage, the rates of divorce continuously rise nowadays.

  20. Men cause divorce….

    I don’t think this is particularly right. It depends on the situation. It can’t be said in general

  21. Yeah! don’t be so quick to judge, It’s a case to case basis

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