I kind of need to start right from the beginning. Before we were even married, I remember one specific discussion on the births of our future babies which stands out in my mind – in fact, if I recall correctly, it was our first – when I was being adamant about a hospital birth, and Mary, whose greatest desire was to become a midwife, was adamant about having a home-birth attended by a midwife. I am truly the most stubborn in our tiny family, so I always thought I would “win.”
Ten months after being married, we finally got pregnant. We had been wanting to get pregnant right from the start, and it got to a point when Mary asked God if he would make her pregnant – even if it meant a miscarriage. What an exciting day that was for us – to find out we were expecting. Both of us had wanted children for a long time. We had many dreams and goals for our first baby. We enjoyed going through all the pregnancy books and seeing where he was in his development. Unfortunately, three months after being conceived, Mary miscarried. On May 20, 1996, we lost our little boy Ravine Meadow Reine. It was a sad day, and we longed for quite a while to have another. One must be careful what s/he wishes for.
About a year and an half after we were married, we finally got a computer and access to the Internet, and we spent a lot of time surfing the net every day. Some days I would be on pretty late (especially when we discovered chat rooms), and looking back I feel bad about spending that much time away from Mary. Luckily, the frequency and length I was on-line for wasn’t enough to make our marriage suffer, and we spend more time going through our email now than anything.
By this time, I had agreed to home-births (so much for stubbornness), but not with the first one. We weren’t sure how it would turn out, I would say, so we had to be at the hospital. Just in case.
Anyhow, one day I was surfing on the Internet – I am quite sure it was after we were pregnant the first time – and somehow started looking at pregnancy & childbirth pages. Most of them were experiences of people who had babies. We were wanting babies right from the start, so this was intriguing to me. Well, it wasn’t long before I stumbled on to some home-birth experiences, and the ones written by the fathers really stood out.
Well, after quite a few of them had been read, my mind started thinking, “you know, that sounds pretty neat…having a baby in a nice calm, relaxed, familiar setting.” After reading through some more experiences, I soon realised it was quite late, so I shut down the computer, and joined Mary in bed. She was surprised when I turned over and said, “if you want to have a home-birth with the first one, that is fine.” You should have seen the expression on her face. “Oh Kim, do you really mean it?” It was worth the expression. She told me just this afternoon (14 Jan) that she felt a very spiritual feeling after I mentioned that.
Each day after Ravine’s death, we kept praying morning and night that God would provide us with another baby. It seemed like a long time that He was making us wait, and many times were counselled that it was for our good that we were having to wait as long as we did. Some of the times, however, it didn’t mattered and we just wanted to replace the void created with Ravine now gone.
Sometime in 1997, I think it was the summer, Mary had a dream. In the dream, she and I were at her 10 year high school reunion. We had two children, and one was on the way. There was a boy – he was the oldest – and a girl. The boy was 3 years old, and the little girl was 9 months old. Mary really enjoyed the dream and enjoyed remembering the little boy playing with me. She said he looked just like me. However, when she awoke from the dream, she felt a great loss for the little boy. None for the girl, but a great loss for our son. It saddened her.
Finally, in early May 1998, while I was at work, I took a lunch break as I did every day, and stole to the bathroom while my food was reheating in order to offer a word of thanks to God for the food I was going to eat. While I was doing so, I mentioned in the prayer that I and Mary still wanted a baby. An incredible feeling came over me, confirming the fact that Mary was already pregnant. It was the same feeling when I discovered that Mary was expecting Ravine.
I phoned Mary and told her what happened, and she was skeptical right at the start because similar, but weaker, feelings had happened before. It wasn’t long before she believed me however, and she went out and bought a HPT just a few days later. When it showed positive, she cried, and then phoned to tell me the great news. We were ecstatic.
We offered some serious prayers of gratitude that night, thanking Our Eternal Father for the blessing He had given us. We made sure to ask Him not to let us lose this one.
Once again, goals and hopes surfaced for this new baby. It was truly a happy day when we got past the first trimester without any complications, and even a happier day when the second trimester was over. Each day began and ended with a prayer to God asking Him to watch over this little child He had blessed us with and to make her strong and healthy.
A few times Mary asked me to give her priesthood blessings which helped calm her fears and anxiety and encouraged her that everything would be all right.
In the meantime, and even previous to conceiving again, Mary had enrolled with the Utah School of Midwifery (now the Utah College of Midwifery) and had begun her studies to be a midwife. I, now interested in a home-birth, took it upon myself to not be a regular “Joe Dad” who sits back and let the doctor go after Mary like a maniac, or to let the midwife help her along without me knowing what was happening, so I started studying about pregnancy and childbirth.
Mary has an extensive library on pregnancy/childbirth publications, and I went to this first. I also began looking on the Internet for informative resources, especially concerning the controversial topics. I especially talked to others who had their babies already. I talked to some who birthed in the hospital attended by an obstetrician; those attended by their GP; those assisted by a midwife; those who delivered in a birthing centre; those who delivered at home with a doctor; those at home assisted by a midwife; those who birthed at home as a couple; and even single mothers who delivered at home by themselves. I must have talked to thousands of people. It would never have been possible without the Internet.
The last two really intrigued me. Parents who birthed their babies at home unassisted by outside help. It got me thinking about how close it could really bring a family together, and how peaceful and relaxed it would be for the baby to have only his/her parents there touching her. What a way to develop a strong maternal/paternal bond with a child – one that would last forever.
I have to say that I was a bit skeptical at first, but after studying more (Laura Shanley’s book, Unassisted Childbirth really helped take away a lot of that skepticism), and speaking to a lot more people, and reading a lot more experiences, I became more and more turned to the idea.
One day, after much study, I suggested the idea to Mary to see what she thought (an important element in any successful marriage). She didn’t like the idea of unassisted childbirth at all. Well, it wasn’t very long before she had agreed to an unassisted childbirth, but not with the first one. We weren’t sure how it would turn out, she would say, so we had to have someone there. Just in case. Sound familiar? We had come around full circle, and switched roles (compared to before we were married).
Needless to say, unassisted childbirth appeared to be an option for the future, and we both continued to study and research about the subject, and pregnancy & childbirth in general.
